Oh how I love the darkness!

October 25th, 1993

Tonight I sit on the train staring out the window. I don't know what I'm looking at or into. I don't know what I'm looking for. It's pitch black outside. I keep looking. My mind plays tricks and imagines what the terrain of Nevada looks like. Someday I will return to if my mind was correct.

By sun up tomorrow, I will be in Utah. Nevada will be lost as I soak up the surroundings of Colorado. I look forward to seeing Utah once more. There is something that always calls me to Utah. I hope one of these times I find the source of my search. It is possible that I may just wish to ride my bike out there. However, I doubt this will solve anything. Actually, I predict that it will make it worse.

Also I want to study the south and the Indian ruins so I can return to these places when I'm more educated about them. Tim from Eugene really got me interested in the southwest. Maybe thats where I'll spend next winter. But then I again, maybe I won't be back for a long time. I just can't tell where my heart will lead me.

My consistent stare out the window is much like the continual blending of thoughts in my mind. I can only imagine what is out there? Nothing seems definite. The neat thing about looking into darkness is that no one area looks more dangerous than another. All the land seems to be manageable. That is the way life should be. No one area should seem that difficult. Nothing to fear since all the areas of interest and intrigue seem to be of the same challenge. Nothing seems more difficult than the other. Why can't I feel this way? Why can't I pursue something without fearing what lay ahead? Why not just go and do what you are interested in? From now on, I am going to do just that. However, I must first accept that to do what I want, I have to sacrifice some things and I will likely work in some half ass jobs.

Well, I'm going to go stare out the window. I want to imagine what is out there and challenge my mind to see images and boundaries. Only in darkness can I see how life should be. Not in a morbid way do I say this, but in a positive way. The darkness makes everything look the same. All objects seem to be of equal task. That is why I like the darkness. Stressed out people should have to spend time in total darkness. This will allow them to actually feel their natural rhythms. They need to see how their instincts will get them through tough situations. Bodies are designed to respond to all sorts of situations. If only people would let them happen without trying to control every aspect the world would be better off. Lord knows that I don't always follow my own advice, but I think that in the future I will remember starting into the darkness. Oh, how I love the darkness!